A Blog about the Grace, Love, Peace, and Joy given to us by Christ
Even though my daughter, Jaden, never got to breathe the air or smell the flowers, she has a beautiful story. A testimony to an almighty, loving God.
Jaden was 31 weeks gestation, on Dec. 2nd 2008, when we found out that she had no heartbeat.
Tuesday 12/02/2008
How Could This Be Happening? Jesus, You are enough for me. I trust You, Father God, and I trust that You have a perfect plan for my life. You know all things. Although this is the most difficult thing I have had to face in my life I know You are with me. As my mind would try to prepare for the labor and delivery of my stillborn child I could not help but to dread the event. How could I go through the process without the beautiful prize at the end? I have had no problem in the past with labor and delivery, no matter how long or painful, I was willing to do what ever it takes for those little babies to be as safe as possible. My other three children were born at home with a midwife. This time it would be so different, I was feeling upset that I had to go through it all and not have a beautiful baby to bring home when it was over. The thought of having her at the hospital repulses me, scares me, and makes me cry. How could this be happening. There where no signs, no warnings. This was the easiest pregnancy I’ve had. No morning sickness, no spotting.
Loving Birth
On Wednesday, I had a revelation, it came after I got a rebuke from the Holy Spirit. As I was feeling bad for myself the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, "you need to give this baby a loving birth!" "Yes, Lord I do". I, then, knew in my heart that I needed to LOVINGLY birth this child as I had with all the others, no differently. I love this baby and because I love her I will give her the same beautiful, loving birth. I know her spirit is no longer in this body, but I will treat her birth the same as my others. I will lovingly birth her naturally and without drugs. I will choose to have a great attitude about being at the hospital and I will show my love the way I did to my other three children, during their births. Her life is just as important. Her spirit is just as alive. She just gets to see Jesus before we do. God got me to stop looking at me in the situation and to see that I would want her to have beautiful birth. It's not about me anymore.
Trust In The Lord
As soon as I chose to trust God, I had God’s perfect peace on my life. It covered my mind like a shield, a shield of faith. I am still just as sad, but my emotions do not control me. I have resolve, I actually, in a confusing way (to my brain), look forward to the birth of this child.
Can't Find A Suitable Name
It suddenly comes to me, that this baby needs a name. It’s time to find a name for this little one. Hadn’t thought much about names so far and we had no names for a girl picked out. I wanted to focus on the meaning of her name since we wouldn’t have to worry about how her first, middle, and last names sounded together or if it was a name that someone may tease her about. I wrote down about 25-30 names, meaning things like “graciousness“, “tears of love“, and “ascended to heaven”, but I really didn’t love any of them.
Daring To Believe
It's morning. Can’t sleep. I get up at 3:00am. I came across a poem on the computer about stillborns and then found more of them. Needless to say, I had a good cry session and drenched a few paper towels with tears. Something caught my attention, it was a poem called “Still Born” (two words), not stillborn. I thought to myself, this baby could be still born, could still be born. As I continued looking at poems, I found one about a boy named Connor written by his mom. It was about a baby boy born with a heartbeat and a cry but then had died and had no heartbeat for 24 minutes. The mom writes about how she calls out to Jesus and her baby boy cries out and is alive again. My God is a God of miracles!.
Faith Pleases God
I go find a Bible, I hadn’t opened one since before we found out about the baby. I had grabbed my oldest daughter’s Bible and opened it to a page that she had a sticky-note on. It was Hebrews 11. I started reading in the middle of the chapter about Abraham’s faith, Sarah’s faith, then about Noah’s faith, Enoch’s faith, then forward through the chapter. In verse 35 it says: “Women received their dead raised to life again“! God what are you trying to tell me? Do you want me in faith for this baby to have life? I know You are able. Yesterday, I was resolved. I was OK with losing this child and lovingly birthing her. This was not in my thoughts to believe for life. They say it has been at least 2 weeks. What are You doing, God? I can and am willing to stretch my faith toward this, if this is what You are saying. I understand that without faith it is impossible to please You, God. And I also understand that some people die in faith and that just because you require it does not mean that I will see the thing come to pass. But because You have put this thing on my heart when I was not asking, I will now dare to believe and I will ask You for it. You are a God who wills to bring the dead back to life spiritually and physically. Your Word says so.
Naming Her
I went back to the computer and my list of names to look for one for this baby. This time was different though. Just like when my heart changed about the birth, now my heart had changed about the meaning of this child’s name. JADEN-'God has heard' ,ELIANA- 'My God has answered me'!! I have the perfect name for you, precious baby of mine. God named you long before but He showed it to me today. What a perfect name for a perfect baby girl. Your middle name, Eliana, is also your two sisters' names put together (Elena and Ariana). God is so good. Glory to God.
God's Strength and Love
If anyone were to ask me if could survive having to give birth to a stillborn baby , my first reaction would have been …absolutely not. I love being pregnant. I love labor and delivery. I love newborn babies. The greatest desire of my heart was to have and raise my children. It is only by God’s strength and His love that we can walk out the really hard things we have to face. I smiled before, during and after her birth. God held me in His arms and all I see is a beautiful experience. The pregnancy was beautiful, her birth was beautiful. ...Beauty for Ashes..., Is. 61:3.
God's Perfect Plan
Jaden has a story even though she never lived on this earth. I can’t tell you how many lives have been touched by her. My husband and I have watched God orchestrate a beautiful thing around her birth. We know that many people have been praying for us during the last 5 days including many who have never even met us but know a friend or family member of ours. I could feel the peace that came from those prayers, the peace that passes understanding.
Intercessory Prayer
I experienced first hand the power of intercessory prayer. This week I had one lady tell me that while she was praying for me she had intense anger. I told her, “thank you, you took my anger so I wouldn’t have to”. Another one of my friends in North Carolina had an unexplainable fear of hospitals and what could happen to us there. I said, “thank you , I didn’t have any fear at all". My friend’s husband (they live in Arizona) called me on Friday night before the birth. It was hard for him to speak because he had so much sorrow. He left me a message and I know that he was carrying the sorrow for me. God prepared me for what I thought would be a horrible thing and He made it into a beautiful, glorious thing. I guess that’s what He does. Saturday morning, at home, I felt His presence, I knew He was there in the room with me as He comforted me. I knew I had the peace and the strength , from God, to give this daughter of ours the special birth that I, as her mom, wanted her to have.
God Assigned Hospital Staff
On Saturday morning we went to the hospital, the doctor and all the staff showed, my husband and I, nothing but love, and respect. They comforted us and made us feel safe. They catered to every wish we had for this day. Our first nurse, Nancy, shared with us that God woke her up in the middle of the night to pray for us, she didn’t even know our names yet. She prayed that she could be our nurse but her heart was that we would get whichever nurse would meet our need the best. When she got to work, she was not assigned to us. She told God …"That’s OK". But before we even got to the hospital, the nurse assigned to us told Nancy that her kids had her up at night and she didn’t know if she had much to give, so Nancy got to take her place. Nancy shared, with us, stories of how God worked in her life this summer, things I needed to apply to my own life to get through this birth.
Trust God, Look To Him For Comfort
While in the hospital waiting for my contractions to start, I was flipping through the TV channels and I heard a Pastor talking about Rachel. The Bible says in Jeremiah 31:15, ‘This is what the LORD says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more." I made a choice to be comforted and to trust God and He did the rest.
Showing My Love
This labor was more intense than my labor with my third child and I am glad because this was my way that I could show Jaden, by an act of love, how much I do love her.
Fulfilling Purpose
Jaden’s little body was so beautiful. She looks like her sisters and her brother. You could see that on the outside not a single thing was wrong with her. And I don't know if they will find a single thing wrong with her on the inside either. We all have a purpose to fulfill on the earth and she was able to fulfill hers from my womb.
Exceeding Value
I miss her precious little spirit even though I have not yet met her. Parents have an amazing connection to their children’s spirits, just like God has a connection to our spirits. I am honored and privileged to have carried her spirit with me for almost 8 months. The world does not place value on an unborn child, but the hearts that little Jaden touched will never be the same. Jaden is an example to us the incredible depth of our value to God, as His children. And the incredible value He places on each one of us. God values each one of us enough to watch while His only child suffered pain and death so that we could all be together with Him, and the ones we love, some day. We look forward to the day that we meet you sweet Jaden Eliana, your family loves you very much.
Poem
On Sunday evening, the day after her birth, I wrote this poem:
Mother of a Still Born
Although my child’s spirit was not in her body when she was born. My beautiful child still was born. Still was born into a loving family. Still was born into the hearts of many. Still was born into the kingdom of God. Don’t shed any tears for me, her mother, unless they are tears of joy. I am happy. My gain completely outweighs any loss I am feeling. I have gained a beautiful daughter named Jaden, whose spirit is alive and well. Any loss I have is that of hopes, dreams, and expectations of this world. All of which are of my mind and are not tangible. Unlike the very real daughter I have in heaven, my fourth child. Someone told me that God operates in the present, not the past or future and what is real is in the present. When I feel my empty womb, I do not think about what could have been on earth, but of what is already in heaven. The time we will be apart will be like the blink of an eye, compared to the eternity we will spend together in heaven and eventually on the “new earth” again. So when you think of me or Jaden, Rejoice! We are rejoicing. Jaden will never know hurt or sorrow or sin. Her purpose on earth was completed while still in my womb. I do not feel like my child’s life was stolen from me by disease or by Satan. I do not feel like my hopes and dreams are shattered but that they are fulfilled, just in a different way. My hopes and dreams for the future are held in our eternity together. Her life is complete, God says …“it is finished”
Mother of a Still Born
Although my child’s spirit was not in her body when she was born. My beautiful child still was born. Still was born into a loving family. Still was born into the hearts of many. Still was born into the kingdom of God. Don’t shed any tears for me, her mother, unless they are tears of joy. I am happy. My gain completely outweighs any loss I am feeling. I have gained a beautiful daughter named Jaden, whose spirit is alive and well. Any loss I have is that of hopes, dreams, and expectations of this world. All of which are of my mind and are not tangible. Unlike the very real daughter I have in heaven, my fourth child. Someone told me that God operates in the present, not the past or future and what is real is in the present. When I feel my empty womb, I do not think about what could have been on earth, but of what is already in heaven. The time we will be apart will be like the blink of an eye, compared to the eternity we will spend together in heaven and eventually on the “new earth” again. So when you think of me or Jaden, Rejoice! We are rejoicing. Jaden will never know hurt or sorrow or sin. Her purpose on earth was completed while still in my womb. I do not feel like my child’s life was stolen from me by disease or by Satan. I do not feel like my hopes and dreams are shattered but that they are fulfilled, just in a different way. My hopes and dreams for the future are held in our eternity together. Her life is complete, God says …“it is finished”
God is our rock
In this life we are not guaranteed tomorrow. No one knows who will die and who will be in our lives from day to day. We are promised trials and tribulation while on this earth and we are promised that God will never leave us or forsake us. God is the only One we can hook our anchor into and know He is immoveable, unchangeable, and solid.Our trials are not about us they are about the ones we can help after going through the hard time victoriously in Jesus.
Peace covers me
When I cry for my sweet Jaden, I smile at the same time. The peace covers me and I know this is His perfect will. I don’t try too hard to understand it, I just allow Him to hold me. Logic only comes against faith. God‘s ways are not our ways. He sees the end from the beginning. Only He knows the good that comes from the bad. If we try to figure it out we just get lost in the emotions that tell us, it is unfair. Emotions will rob you of your joy. Flesh needs to grieve but I choose to grieve with a smile in my heart. God is good and as I see things start to unfold from this experience, it is all beautiful.
Emotions, give them away
We look at Jaden’s life as something we sowed into God’s hands. We can’t control it anyway so why not let it go. Let go of the emotions that bind us. Fear, loss, sorrow, anger are all stumbling blocks. Be free, let it go. God is so much bigger than our emotions. He can take our emotions so we don’t have to walk them out. So we don’t have to wait for them to go away. Give them away. He is waiting to take them, that is why He came, why He suffered on the cross. The Father, because of His great love for us, put all of these on His perfect, sinless Son so we could choose to trust Him and so we would not have to carry all these burdens.
Desire to have another
As I think about my beautiful Jaden and her precious little body, how I never got to love her up, care for her, or nurse her, I strongly desire to have another child that I can nurture. But I have to watch myself because these are the desires of my flesh and as much as I would love to have a baby I want to pray for God’s will in my life. My heart says…”Jesus, You are enough for me and my children are the Lord’s first.” If this is true then I need to be content with the children I have, all 4 of them. God may choose to bless us with another child and He may not. I need to choose to be happy either way. Another child would not replace Jaden. She doesn’t need to be replaced , she is alive and well in heaven.
My prayer for others
Lord help me to reach as many people as possible with Your truth. Show them what you have shown me through this beautiful experience. I never knew loss could look and feel this way, beautiful. Your Word says You give beauty for ashes and the “oil of joy” for mourning, but I never knew what that meant until now. Give others the peace that passes understanding that You have given me. Lord protect the hearts of the child siblings that walk this out with feelings of not being able to comfort their parents. When they question, ‘why am I not good enough to make my parents happy?’ Take those hurt feelings from them, Lord. And show their parents that they can lean on You.
God is the only one in control
We have since found out that Jaden’s body had trisomy 18. A chromosome disorder that is usually fatal before or shortly after birth. Even so, I do not feel like she was stolen from us by disease. God is in control of ALL. If it was His will for her to live she would have. He had a different plan for her life. A life completed in the womb, how glorious!! Glorious for her, harder for us but yet still glorious for us. Life is a funny thing. We think we are in control when we never really are. We only have control over the choices we make and the more we try to control circumstances the less we are able to control ourselves to make right choices. Ironic! Fear makes us choose poorly. We make choices based on protecting our emotions. If we trust God to help us with our emotions then we can make choices based on truth.
Access grace by faith
Romans 5:2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
God had me in faith for Jaden’s life. Another one of those things that doesn’t make sense to us but as I read this verse, it becomes clearer. His word says.. “we have access by faith into this grace”. He challenged me to be in faith for her life because that was the way for me to receive His grace. The Bible says it is impossible to please Him without faith. It also says that people die in faith. We don’t always get what we are in faith for, but we can know that we have pleased Him and that is even more important than getting what we asked for. Please God and His will be done.
God had me in faith for Jaden’s life. Another one of those things that doesn’t make sense to us but as I read this verse, it becomes clearer. His word says.. “we have access by faith into this grace”. He challenged me to be in faith for her life because that was the way for me to receive His grace. The Bible says it is impossible to please Him without faith. It also says that people die in faith. We don’t always get what we are in faith for, but we can know that we have pleased Him and that is even more important than getting what we asked for. Please God and His will be done.
Mercy and Grace
Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
God is so full of mercy and grace, don’t turn away from Him, run to Him. Listen to what God is saying, He loves you, He knows what you need and when you need it. Open up your life fully, to Him who loves you. Check all areas of your life. Where you don’t have peace, is where you have not submitted your heart. We can be submitted wholly in some areas and not at all in others. I was not submitted in the area of marriage. I thought I could just figure that part out on my own. I didn’t really want to hear what God had to say. I wanted to listen to my emotions and react accordingly, instead of seeing and hearing the truth, about me, inside my marriage. The truth is not always pretty and can be hard to look at but the freedom of being able to see something for what it is, which is usually dysfunction, sparks repentance and change.
God is so full of mercy and grace, don’t turn away from Him, run to Him. Listen to what God is saying, He loves you, He knows what you need and when you need it. Open up your life fully, to Him who loves you. Check all areas of your life. Where you don’t have peace, is where you have not submitted your heart. We can be submitted wholly in some areas and not at all in others. I was not submitted in the area of marriage. I thought I could just figure that part out on my own. I didn’t really want to hear what God had to say. I wanted to listen to my emotions and react accordingly, instead of seeing and hearing the truth, about me, inside my marriage. The truth is not always pretty and can be hard to look at but the freedom of being able to see something for what it is, which is usually dysfunction, sparks repentance and change.
I wasn't ready for you to go
"Jaden, I wasn't ready for you to go". I said this out loud one day and I heard in my spirit..."when would you be ready for her to die? When she is 1, when she is 2, when she's 18?".Lord, you're right I would never be ready to say goodbye to my baby. I guess this is easier for me than if I had a relationship with her like I do with my other children. Then I would be losing a child and a relationship.There are many questions that go through my mind as well as others when there is a loss of someone so precious.
An Angel?
Did God need more angels in heaven?
Some people like to say that God needed another angel up in heaven. I do not believe that. First of all, the Bible is quite clear that angels are entirely different beings and never mentions us turning into one. Secondly God doesn’t need anything that I have, to complete Himself, I need to be completed in Him.
Romans 12:3 I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
Some people like to say that God needed another angel up in heaven. I do not believe that. First of all, the Bible is quite clear that angels are entirely different beings and never mentions us turning into one. Secondly God doesn’t need anything that I have, to complete Himself, I need to be completed in Him.
Romans 12:3 I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.
more questions
2 Thessalonians 1:12 that the name of our Lord Jesus Christ may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Did God allow my baby to be stillborn? I believe He is in control of all that happens to His children.
Could He have saved my daughter? Of course.
Would that have been the best for me and my family? It would have been nice if He healed her body and she got to live a nice life on earth, but I don’t believe it would have been His best.
How could losing your baby to a chromosome disorder be the best? For one thing, my kids got to watch us (Mommy and Daddy) put all of our trust in the Lord and they saw how God protected us through it all. They hear Mommy talking about how it is beautiful and glorious, how Jaden gets to go to heaven before us. I believe it has given them tools to use when they have to go through hard times in their own lives as adults. Not that losing their sister was easy for them but they, as children, do not have the same expectations and feelings of loss that we do as adults. I believe we create a lot of our hurt by putting fantasy expectations on life. Children live in the present. If Jaden is here, “great”, if not, well, they still want to go play and spend time together and do what kids do and they soon forget about an expectation they once had. Also, I would not have a ministry for stillborn parents and families if I had not walked this out.
Did God allow my baby to be stillborn? I believe He is in control of all that happens to His children.
Could He have saved my daughter? Of course.
Would that have been the best for me and my family? It would have been nice if He healed her body and she got to live a nice life on earth, but I don’t believe it would have been His best.
How could losing your baby to a chromosome disorder be the best? For one thing, my kids got to watch us (Mommy and Daddy) put all of our trust in the Lord and they saw how God protected us through it all. They hear Mommy talking about how it is beautiful and glorious, how Jaden gets to go to heaven before us. I believe it has given them tools to use when they have to go through hard times in their own lives as adults. Not that losing their sister was easy for them but they, as children, do not have the same expectations and feelings of loss that we do as adults. I believe we create a lot of our hurt by putting fantasy expectations on life. Children live in the present. If Jaden is here, “great”, if not, well, they still want to go play and spend time together and do what kids do and they soon forget about an expectation they once had. Also, I would not have a ministry for stillborn parents and families if I had not walked this out.
God's Word
God is so good. When we find ourselves in the really hard places that life throws at us, He then allows us to get a little taste of heaven.
Ezra 9:8 (The Message)8-9 "Now for a brief time God, our God, has allowed us, this battered band, to get a firm foothold in his holy place so that our God may brighten our eyes and lighten our burdens as we serve out this hard sentence.
This is where we can rest in Him and be filled back up again. A place where joy abounds and where His peace that passes understanding resides. Where His grace allows you to walk it out victoriously. Where He carried me, held me in His hand high above the situation. It’s as if He walked it out, not me. Where the emotions couldn’t touch me. The strong tower, the place of refuge. I was untouchable. Where God gives beauty for ashes and oil of joy for mourning. Where there is a shield that deflects the negative thoughts and all I see is a miracle.
Ezra 9:8 (The Message)8-9 "Now for a brief time God, our God, has allowed us, this battered band, to get a firm foothold in his holy place so that our God may brighten our eyes and lighten our burdens as we serve out this hard sentence.
This is where we can rest in Him and be filled back up again. A place where joy abounds and where His peace that passes understanding resides. Where His grace allows you to walk it out victoriously. Where He carried me, held me in His hand high above the situation. It’s as if He walked it out, not me. Where the emotions couldn’t touch me. The strong tower, the place of refuge. I was untouchable. Where God gives beauty for ashes and oil of joy for mourning. Where there is a shield that deflects the negative thoughts and all I see is a miracle.
psalm 84
Psalm 84:11 Amplified
For the Lord God is a Sun and Shield; the Lord bestows [present] grace and favor and [future] glory (honor, splendor, and heavenly bliss)! No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
How odd I must sound to people as I tell them how beautiful my daughter’s stillbirth was and how everything around her short little life in my womb was so beautiful. The pregnancy, the caretakers, the friends, the prayers, the birth, her body, the funeral service, the strengthening of our marriage and our family, her story, and the lives that Jaden touched, all beautiful. This is how God does mourning. If you’ve never known God this way or never had to really trust Him, you might call it denial or even assume that I didn‘t care, because it is unexplainable. What a glorious life for my daughter to be safe in my belly, warm, comfy, content and loved, then straight into the arms of the Lord. In a glorified body, never knowing the hardships of this world. What more could I ask for my precious daughter who I love so much?
For the Lord God is a Sun and Shield; the Lord bestows [present] grace and favor and [future] glory (honor, splendor, and heavenly bliss)! No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
How odd I must sound to people as I tell them how beautiful my daughter’s stillbirth was and how everything around her short little life in my womb was so beautiful. The pregnancy, the caretakers, the friends, the prayers, the birth, her body, the funeral service, the strengthening of our marriage and our family, her story, and the lives that Jaden touched, all beautiful. This is how God does mourning. If you’ve never known God this way or never had to really trust Him, you might call it denial or even assume that I didn‘t care, because it is unexplainable. What a glorious life for my daughter to be safe in my belly, warm, comfy, content and loved, then straight into the arms of the Lord. In a glorified body, never knowing the hardships of this world. What more could I ask for my precious daughter who I love so much?
Questions
Did this need to happen?
Yes and no. No, not to punish or to make my husband or me change. And yes, to fulfill her purpose, my purpose and my families purpose in Him and to help us grow.
2 Timothy 1:9 who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began,
Would I change the outcome if I could?
No, I am perfectly content with where she is and that I might not ever get to hold her. My children are God’s first and He uses circumstances however He sees fit. Who am I to complain? He gives life, we do not. I have a daughter with a glorified body. I could never give her the kind of love that she has now. I love her more than I love how it feels to birth, hold, love and raise a child.
She had a disease, were God’s hands tied?
No I believe that nothing is beyond His control.
Matthew 6:6"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.
I am glad that I found out she was not alive before her birth. So I could shift my focus from me to God. I had some time to process what I was going to go through and time to trust God to walk me through it all. God uses His children to help His children. What I go through that is difficult is not because of me but for someone else. Who does God want to help through my story? I am willing to give my baby to Him so I can help others feel and experience God’s perfect love like I did. The giving of one for many. Because of Jaden and her story many are coming to Christ.
Heb 9:28
So Christ died only once to take away the sins of many people. But when he comes again, it will not be to take away sin. He will come to save everyone who is waiting for him.
Yes and no. No, not to punish or to make my husband or me change. And yes, to fulfill her purpose, my purpose and my families purpose in Him and to help us grow.
2 Timothy 1:9 who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began,
Would I change the outcome if I could?
No, I am perfectly content with where she is and that I might not ever get to hold her. My children are God’s first and He uses circumstances however He sees fit. Who am I to complain? He gives life, we do not. I have a daughter with a glorified body. I could never give her the kind of love that she has now. I love her more than I love how it feels to birth, hold, love and raise a child.
She had a disease, were God’s hands tied?
No I believe that nothing is beyond His control.
Matthew 6:6"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.
I am glad that I found out she was not alive before her birth. So I could shift my focus from me to God. I had some time to process what I was going to go through and time to trust God to walk me through it all. God uses His children to help His children. What I go through that is difficult is not because of me but for someone else. Who does God want to help through my story? I am willing to give my baby to Him so I can help others feel and experience God’s perfect love like I did. The giving of one for many. Because of Jaden and her story many are coming to Christ.
Heb 9:28
So Christ died only once to take away the sins of many people. But when he comes again, it will not be to take away sin. He will come to save everyone who is waiting for him.
Grace and Truth
John 1:17 For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
Hooray, we are not bond by the law but are freed by the grace and truth brought to us by Jesus. We are free to obey His commands and to walk uprightly because we want to not because we feel we have to.
Hooray, we are not bond by the law but are freed by the grace and truth brought to us by Jesus. We are free to obey His commands and to walk uprightly because we want to not because we feel we have to.
I couldn't have done it on my own
Acts 14:26 From there they sailed to Antioch, where they had been commended to the grace of God for the work which they had completed.
Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable when people tell me that I did a great job or that I am strong or amazing. I know that this was not my doing. I could not have walked this out victoriously without God’s grace and peace and joy. He carried me, how can I take credit for that? God gets all the glory!! I do want to share that we have our part, too, our responsibility inside what God is doing in our lives. First, How do we view God? God is my everything. I know that, when all is said and done, all that matters is what is between me and Him. Where do we stand with God and where do we place Him in our lives? My starting point is…All things belong to God.
All things are made by Him, for Him. Including me. And… God is Love. I can trust Him. He has my best interest at heart even if it doesn’t look that way to me. I was not, and am not, and will not allow myself to be, mad at God. I may be mad that this is the way it has to be but I know He is Sovereign. I know that He sees what is best for me. I am limited. He allows me to see just as much as I need to see and the rest is up to Him. It is OK if I don’t understand it all. That’s called faith and also trust. When I found out Jaden was going to be stillborn, I had some choices to make. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own.
Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable when people tell me that I did a great job or that I am strong or amazing. I know that this was not my doing. I could not have walked this out victoriously without God’s grace and peace and joy. He carried me, how can I take credit for that? God gets all the glory!! I do want to share that we have our part, too, our responsibility inside what God is doing in our lives. First, How do we view God? God is my everything. I know that, when all is said and done, all that matters is what is between me and Him. Where do we stand with God and where do we place Him in our lives? My starting point is…All things belong to God.
All things are made by Him, for Him. Including me. And… God is Love. I can trust Him. He has my best interest at heart even if it doesn’t look that way to me. I was not, and am not, and will not allow myself to be, mad at God. I may be mad that this is the way it has to be but I know He is Sovereign. I know that He sees what is best for me. I am limited. He allows me to see just as much as I need to see and the rest is up to Him. It is OK if I don’t understand it all. That’s called faith and also trust. When I found out Jaden was going to be stillborn, I had some choices to make. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own.
His grace is sufficient, sympathy is not
2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me
I chose to trust God, to look to Him for answers, to be in faith, to be content with the outcome either way, to have a good attitude, to lovingly birth Jaden, to celebrate her, to look at the big picture of eternity, to not let my emotions run my life, to not look at the circumstances but to see what God was doing in these circumstances, to look at the good, many good things outweighed the bad when I looked passed myself. It’s not about me.
In the past I have looked to sympathy as a comfort, but I am so glad I did not go there this time. If I chose to look to people to fill my void they would have come up short, only God could fill my gaping hole. And now He has made me whole again and it didn’t take time for me to heal. I was healed before she was even born. I think I grieved for 24 hours until He rebuked me for being upset that I had to give birth to a dead baby, and opened my eyes to see that I was going to be able to birth Jaden Eliana Moore straight into heaven GLORIOUSLY! There is no loss. There is a beautiful spirit in heaven, complete, whole, lacking nothing, full of joy.
I was having a hard time wondering why I didn’t feel loss or sadness when I felt my empty womb. But then I thought about my other births, I didn’t miss having them in my belly after they were born so why should I now. It all had such a completed feeling to it, she was special, her life was different but not any less wonderful. Just because I don’t get to hold her doesn’t mean that her life meant any less than my other children. It actually meant more. Praise God!
I chose to trust God, to look to Him for answers, to be in faith, to be content with the outcome either way, to have a good attitude, to lovingly birth Jaden, to celebrate her, to look at the big picture of eternity, to not let my emotions run my life, to not look at the circumstances but to see what God was doing in these circumstances, to look at the good, many good things outweighed the bad when I looked passed myself. It’s not about me.
In the past I have looked to sympathy as a comfort, but I am so glad I did not go there this time. If I chose to look to people to fill my void they would have come up short, only God could fill my gaping hole. And now He has made me whole again and it didn’t take time for me to heal. I was healed before she was even born. I think I grieved for 24 hours until He rebuked me for being upset that I had to give birth to a dead baby, and opened my eyes to see that I was going to be able to birth Jaden Eliana Moore straight into heaven GLORIOUSLY! There is no loss. There is a beautiful spirit in heaven, complete, whole, lacking nothing, full of joy.
I was having a hard time wondering why I didn’t feel loss or sadness when I felt my empty womb. But then I thought about my other births, I didn’t miss having them in my belly after they were born so why should I now. It all had such a completed feeling to it, she was special, her life was different but not any less wonderful. Just because I don’t get to hold her doesn’t mean that her life meant any less than my other children. It actually meant more. Praise God!
Joy forever more
Don’t get discouraged. God is bigger than any situation. His Love for you is bigger than these hard times. He actually wants you to count it ALL joy. And if you trust Him, He will make you feel only joy. I could only equate it to the opposite of depression, I named it elation because I didn’t have a word for it. I could only see the good side of things not only in my current situation but in lots of things. It wasn’t until weeks later that I recognized it as joy. Joy is not affected by the situation like happiness is. Happiness is based on how you feel at the moment, it is an emotion and joy is something that surpasses your emotions. It starts with a choice to trust God regardless of your emotions. It is opposite your emotions. If you stay stuck in emotion, the joy is blocked. Joy, this is what God wants for you. He has it in His hand all you have to do is trust Him and take it. Choose to be comforted. The Bible says that Rachel chose not to be comforted. So it is a choice. I also see that I chose to be comforted in some areas of my life but not in others. God gave me abundant joy overflowing into the other areas of my life, but not all at first because some areas I chose to keep a wall up to protect my emotions instead of letting them go. Choose His comfort in ALL. The time away from Jaden is so short so unimportant, almost nothing, just a blink of an eye compared to the eternity we will spend together in heaven.
2 Corinthians 4:16 So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:16 So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
Jaden Eliana
JADEN- ELIANA means:
God has heard - My God has answered me
Isaiah 30:19
19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
God showed me this, months after she was born. Look at this verse, 'you will weep no more'. That is me, I can't even cry if I want to, because I am not sad. The end of this verse IS: Jaden Eliana, as soon as He hears, He will answer you.
God has heard - My God has answered me
Isaiah 30:19
19 O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
God showed me this, months after she was born. Look at this verse, 'you will weep no more'. That is me, I can't even cry if I want to, because I am not sad. The end of this verse IS: Jaden Eliana, as soon as He hears, He will answer you.
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